Frog Blog

i got back about two and a half weeks ago. it's ok. not the great "let down" or anything, which is good. maybe because i had ireland in there, so it's not like i was seeing everything in english for the first time in months. and i felt ready to quit moving. i've been debating keeping this blog up. i may, i may not. i may devote more time to journaling for myself. it's been nearly impossible to get on the internet until now anyway. mom's got dial-up and i wasn't able to get a library card until a few days ago. so here i am at the library. it's hot in here and two people keep whispering loudly to themselves trying to figure out something which is only slightly annoying.

i had five days in paris before i left. they were lovely. wicked hot, but i did spend two days with friends from school who came to paris to visit. the last day-- monday the fourth-- was the best. it was my last full day so i had a complete nikki c. day. i had a salad de chevre chaud, bought a bunch of tea at mariage freres, wandered aimlessly, popped into sephora, stocked up on the deodorant and lotion i love (dove and nivea), said goodbye to paris. bittersweet.

being back home has been ok. it's all or nothing here cuz i don't get out to this coast very much. it's not like i can come for a weekend necessarily... maybe one day if i have a million dollars. mom is a bit overwhelming at times-- her stress level always seems to be at a 9.5 (out of a 9.6?)-- and i haven't been exercising as much cuz it's been either raining or stifling. i'm living in flip flops and one pair of hideous shorts that i bought at tj maxx-- the only pair i found-- they have fringe on purpose. i hope i don't look too much like daisy duke. i have no money but don't feel much need for it save for buying US Weekly and seeing a movie now and again. i've been cleaning out my old room and selling old books.

the waiting is giving me a little anxiety. i go back to the west coast in two weeks-- back to a boyfriend and no job and rich's cigar store where i can get that US Weekly the day it comes out. so many habits i don't want to fall back into-- namely moping around grumbling about too many hipsters in my town and not doing anything and being too stationary. i feel like i have a new outlook-- a fresher, better one. the job thing... hopefully something will work out. it always does, non?

this feels a bit like it felt when i returned from europe the last time-- like i'm walking around in a fog, a daze of watching too much television (especially E!) and eating too much fried food. i feel a lack of stimulating conversation. i was alone for two months traveling and feel a bit alone here, too. there's only so much i can talk about with my mother. this small new england town is gorgeous and relaxing; i've certainly been reading and enjoying time off, but it's a vortex of the same people i went to high school with, old folks and tourists. nothing god damn changes here so i feel stuck and stilted. i feel so full of things to say and new ideas but also tainted with anxieties of returning home, jobless and homeless and franceless.

on a different note, it's been hot enough to swim. yay! my new bathing suit from last year's j. crew online sale has officially been broken in-- twice off the dock, twice off the boat into the ocean. i always feel saltwater slimy afterwards but it's worth it. to be a tiny bobbing body in the atlantic with all the fish and seaweed and seagulls, blue skies and horse flies. it's decadent.

it's my birthday in five days. ack! i hope i get cake. i'm so god damn broke and don't even want anything. the sky is hazy and so is my brain. shattered! knackered and random! do i keep this blog going? do i have anything interesting to say? or am i just one more tiny body in the internet, pontificating and whining and moping and whatnot?