Frog Blog

my bitching phase has left the building. i think i was just watching too much tv. i'm in limbo land, too-- still living out of a suitcase, not sure of my future. i forget that just cuz i'm not starting something all fresh (new job, apartment, getting everything all perfect), doesn't mean i'm still not starting and going and becoming. but i imagine it's like jumping off the dock on a really muggy day-- i know i want to plunge in but it's that moment with no hands that's a bit frightening-- as well as when my breath is taken away in that cold water. but it's so worth it and blah blah blah, i sound like "chicken soup for the soul."

tomorrow i leave for seattle to meet up with the boyfriend at his family beach house. should be interesting! i haven't seen him in 8 months and yet we've hung on to this relationship through the phone and letters. i think i remember what he looks like, but isn't it strange how you tend to remember people as how they look in photographs?

i'm a little afraid that home will be exactly the same when i get back and that i'll turn into exactly the same person i was before i left for france, like turning into some kind of pumpkin at midnight. silly, i know. i've changed and grown but i wonder if i still fit in that city? yes, so much of my future is unknown, and that's always a bit scary, but what i find more frightening is how much of my future could be dreadfully known. it's weird that i know what to expect from home. so full of hipsters! ugh! i'm the anti-hipster, but that may be worse than hipsters themselves.

different notes: i'm hoping to practice and keep up with my french with friends from france. there's this SWEET cigar shop back home that sells foreign magazines so i can get french "glamour." and dad thinks i should hit the foreign language nights at local cafes to practice speaking... something that makes me cringe but something i might just try.

i can't wait to eat really good sushi and mexican food and go to nordstrom and wear my new jeans. i'm excited about the bookstores and that cigar shop and tea houses and my friends and the pacific ocean. is it still my home?

(old entry that was deleted from a few days ago)
i either have one or the other. right now i have lots and lots of time. i've become quite domestic, too. i decided to live with B. instead of my old man. B has a job and seeing that i don't have one yet i'm working on my keen ability to wash dishes and do laundry (the machines are for free in his apartment!) and sweep and unpack all my bags. what a domestic goddess i am. huh.

with all this time on my hands, i have plenty to do other than cleaning-- mainly, create a new resume (something that makes me shudder just thinking about it) and go online searching for employment. yikes-- now i get to see what i'm made of. the job market isn't as dismal as it was a couple of years ago, which is good, but B thinks maybe i should get a job before going out to get THE job. some incoming money would be nice right now but where? bookstore? perhaps. perfume store? they weren't biting when i was fishing yesterday. retail, like the gap? hey, i could get a nice discount and i'm sure the seasonal hiring is going to be starting in the next month or so, but oy, folding jeans. ack, who knows. i'm just trying not to freak out about it. something will work out-- it always does.

i have made a plan to buy a quarter pound of cheese each week from the fancy cheese counter at the fancy store up the street from me. i'd like to learn more about cheese and taste as much new stuff as i can. B and i went to lunch at a french bistro in seattle last week and i had a toasted chevre salad and it was like breathing again to eat that lovely food.

my mother told me on the phone the other day that my very first boyfriend, J #1, just got married. that makes four out of five old boyfriends of mine who married the girl they dated after me. J #2 is a hopeless case and will most likely never get married; T from camp married A from camp; S from college married his roommate K; D from after college married D, a cousin of his friend who he started communicating with on the internet (eww). i've googled them all but hadn't yet heard of J #1 getting hitched. last i heard he was touring the midwest with his butt-rock band.

i feel like julie delpy in "before sunset" who explains to ethan hawke that three of her old boyfriends married the girl they dated after her and then called and thanked her for teaching them how to love. i laughed really loud at that part during the movie because i know just how she feels. not that any of my exes have called me. i've gotten the occasional email from S and the occasional letter from J #1-- and he's the only one i've ever been really interested in being friends. he married K, the girl he dated after me. they broke up somewhere in the middle there and i have to admit it was so satisfying cuz he was my first love and all. apparently they got back together. but i guess i'm happy for them. it's been... ?11 years? since we dated? long enough for that wound to scab over. anyway, they're both short and will have blond, short kids. neat.

still job searching. this requires me to schlep over to my dad's house to use his high speed internet to check craig's list and the classifieds online. it's nice to ride the bus again. the number 12, also refered to as the number 1-2, aka, 1-2-3 circus! has its share of deeply strange folks. the fun part is i never know who i'll run into. the other day i sat next to a man who kept bobbing and weaving falling asleep against my arm. he wasn't openly drunk or drugged out or anything-- just really tired, apparently. he'd slouch over forward and start leaning in on me until i nudged him gently or the bus lurched forward at a stop. finally, after he stopped waking up with all my nudging and the bus lurching, i figured him as a lost, full-on asleep cause and changed seats. someone that tired should have two whole seats all to himself. i don't always have to take the old 1-2 bus but sometimes it's the only one around and i don't want to wait. other times, it's worth the wait to get on a more normal bus. but it's the abnormal busses that offer the most fun and intrigue.

still looking but might have a decent offer. when you teoma my full name, though, this blog tends to pop up, and i wouldn't want to write anything in here that could bite me in the ass later. let's just say the possible new job would be similar in many ways but waaay different than other companies i've worked for. different in good ways, but different all the same.

it's hot here-- the indian summers hit us through september, only five days away. funny to think that five months ago i was in france, in the middle of march.

i have a couple of goals-- some short term, some long term. one of them is to take some chances on new music. i always seem to read about bands but rarely buy cds anymore due to high cost and the likely chance that i'll hate 75 percent of the songs. case in point-- i bought gwen stefani's album and i think most of it sucks, and not just because i was expecting it to be like no doubt. it's just too manic for me. maybe when i'm in a manic mood or when i'm jogging or something. i like about 50 percent of the songs. luckily, it only cost me $9-- and i believe there are 10 songs so if i'd downloaded the whole album from itunes i would have paid an extra buck. (i think-- maybe itunes offers a slight discount if you download a whole cd than just 99 cents a song? have to look into that).

but anyway. another cd i took a chance on yesterday is "give up" by the postal service. i've never heard death cab for cutie and didn't know that lead singer sings in postal service or anything, so it was a true gamble for $12. but i like it. it reminds me of driving music. i've taken similar gambles recently on the thrills and the new u2 album (although that and coldplay are sure-wins, even though i think the new coldplay album kinda sucks) as well as singles i picked up overseas: rilo kiley (yum), the chalets (like the b-52s on crack), the corals (happy), snoop dogg and justin timberlake (excellent), kylie minogue (shoo-in). yeah, i'm way behind the times. i'm wondering about interpol and snow patrol and the shins. thank god i'm not a hipster and i've been away. but who needs excuses? good music is good music. i'm open.