it's been so long since i've done a post that the icons have changed in movable type. sheesh! part of my problem is that i don't have internet in my home. i know, shit! it's the 21st century! but internet at home is quite expensive and not in my budget for the time being. i got myself a nice little laptop but it's quite heavy and doesn't have a battery pack. it's a bit of a pain to lug it over to the coffee shop to pick up the wifi. unfortunately, even though that coffee shop is only two blocks away, it's too far for me to pick up a signal in my apartment. bummer for me.
but now i'm at my mom's in maine with high speed (free) internet, going to town. i've also joined myspace. at first i hated it but i've actually come into contact with a bunch of people from my past and it's cool. even a girl i went to grade school with!
maine smells good-- it always does. like humidity, the sea, fish, exhaust, dust, dried out grass, home, fresh air. my mother is moving from the house i grew up in to the house my grandfather built in 1977. so this week will be the last time i spend in this house. funny, when i was 18 i couldn't wait to get out of here... now i like coming home. i saw an old friend from high school the other day, randomly, and she told me how all of her high school friends get together once a month; none of them ever left. it's an appalling idea to me... but rather nice at the same time. i've felt so disconnected from all my connections lately. i would love to have a built-in group of girlfriends right now. it's hard to make that come together when people live here and there and have their own lives to think about.
i'm 30 now, and with it has come this feeling of redefinition and pondering. who am i? why am i the way i am? what makes me happy? what do i want to do? who have i become?
being home has shown me some things. i'm quite like my mother in many ways. she's a bit of a homebody, so am i. she likes to be in control of situations, so do i. she (and my stepfather) come home and plop down in front of the tv, so do i. shit! it's not that these are bad realizations, they're just coming to light more and more. and i'm realizing that the world won't come to me. i can wait and wait but it won't come (i think i remember reading those words in a new yorker fiction piece and they resonated with me). i have to go out and work and change myself and be happy with myself because it won't be done for me. i feel like i've been in such a rut since i've been back from france. i wonder if anyone's even going to read this. i've been away for so long. lost, it feels like. sleepwalking through my boring ass job, counting down to the weekends, wondering where my relationship with b. is heading, buying too much shit, generally unhappy and unfocused and ... lost. will i ever be found?