Frog Blog

i think i must be a vampire underneath all this. a night owl, a midnight oil burner. why is it so much easier for me to sleep when it’s light out? all night long i lay in bed unable to sleep. i can hear the world spinning slowly. it’s awful. when i do finally fall asleep (lately it’s been at 3 a.m.), it’s this fitful, unrestful type of sleep, full of bizarre dreams. and when i wake up when the sun rises i instantly fall back into a languid, deep sleep. i think it’s because the daylight offers comfort, a reminder that things are simply what they are: my desk, my chair, the trees outside, the cars on the highway. in the dark these things are not what they seem: they’re shadows, unanswered questions, anxieties swimming in my mind.

ever since i was small i’ve had sleep issues. i’m unable to sleep because i’m not tired, or i’m hungry, or my mind won’t shut off. it’s exhausing to carry this and all my other neurosis around with me. the person i am is ingrained into my cells and hard to change: a worrier, a borderline hypochondriac, a pessimist, self-deprecating. it’s hard to shake these patterns off; even harder to do so at 1:30 a.m. when i think about them the most.