moving day approacheth. i’m always surprised at the feelings i have toward my things. going through some of the boxes was hard. lots of old photos and other mementos. i threw away a couple of journals, something i never thought i’d do. i debated it; i’ve kept a journal regularly since high school and didn’t know if i wanted a gap from college graduation to my first trip to europe in 2001 (about 3 years). but those entries were dripping with sorrows i don’t want to revisit again. i cringed just flipping through the pages. if i could choose a song to fit that mood, i’d pick “morning bell” by radiohead. so melancholy and beautiful at first, but stark and sharp and jagged and cacaphonous by the end. i felt so lost then, and while i don’t necessarily feel found now, i do feel more balanced.
reading through one of the journals i kept was more of a novelty. it spans the end of freshman year into that summer when i worked at camp namanu. i was head over heels for this tenor saxophone player i knew at the school of music (who later joined the cherry poppin daddies; my only brush with fame). it was interesting remembering that whole thing. i documented it fairly well and also wrote about the other things that were happening in my life: going to therapy, dealing with the sickness and ultimate death of E, breaking off a friendship with a girl named A, staring at camp as a counselor. the general theme of that journal, and the journals that preceeded and followed it, was my longing for love. i ached for it. it’s slightly embarrassing to read it now, and i wish i could go back to myself then and say, hey! there’s a lot more wicked cool things you could be doing now, like seeing more live music, like having more fun, like wearing higher heels, like eating whatever you want and not worrying about it, like staying up later, like sleeping in later, like experiencing more. living more on the edge. but whatever. none of that matters when you’re lonely and want a boyfriend. hindsight is truly 20/20.
if i’d met that person then, that me of the future-now, i’d have thought, whatever. go floss. don’t live vicariously through me. growing old sucks. thank god i’m not there yet. but!, i’d tell my past self, you’ll get there sooner than you think!
i think one of the reasons i haven’t been in such a great hurry to get married and have kids and buy a house is that for the past 7 years or so i’ve finally felt at peace, like i’m not chasing something so out of reach. i’m still searching for whatever IT is, but being in a relationship and traveling a bit has satiated parts of me that were so unbelievably lonely and unfulfilled. i’ve finally experienced a certain stability being in a relationship with B. i felt my growth was stunted for so long. i haven’t been in a hurry to grow up.