Frog Blog

moving day approacheth. i’m always surprised at the feelings i have toward my things. going through some of the boxes was hard. lots of old photos and other mementos. i threw away a couple of journals, something i never thought i’d do. i debated it; i’ve kept a journal regularly since high school and didn’t know if i wanted a gap from college graduation to my first trip to europe in 2001 (about 3 years). but those entries were dripping with sorrows i don’t want to revisit again. i cringed just flipping through the pages. if i could choose a song to fit that mood, i’d pick “morning bell” by radiohead. so melancholy and beautiful at first, but stark and sharp and jagged and cacaphonous by the end. i felt so lost then, and while i don’t necessarily feel found now, i do feel more balanced.

reading through one of the journals i kept was more of a novelty. it spans the end of freshman year into that summer when i worked at camp namanu. i was head over heels for this tenor saxophone player i knew at the school of music (who later joined the cherry poppin daddies; my only brush with fame). it was interesting remembering that whole thing. i documented it fairly well and also wrote about the other things that were happening in my life: going to therapy, dealing with the sickness and ultimate death of E, breaking off a friendship with a girl named A, staring at camp as a counselor. the general theme of that journal, and the journals that preceeded and followed it, was my longing for love. i ached for it. it’s slightly embarrassing to read it now, and i wish i could go back to myself then and say, hey! there’s a lot more wicked cool things you could be doing now, like seeing more live music, like having more fun, like wearing higher heels, like eating whatever you want and not worrying about it, like staying up later, like sleeping in later, like experiencing more. living more on the edge. but whatever. none of that matters when you’re lonely and want a boyfriend. hindsight is truly 20/20.

if i’d met that person then, that me of the future-now, i’d have thought, whatever. go floss. don’t live vicariously through me. growing old sucks. thank god i’m not there yet. but!, i’d tell my past self, you’ll get there sooner than you think!

i think one of the reasons i haven’t been in such a great hurry to get married and have kids and buy a house is that for the past 7 years or so i’ve finally felt at peace, like i’m not chasing something so out of reach. i’m still searching for whatever IT is, but being in a relationship and traveling a bit has satiated parts of me that were so unbelievably lonely and unfulfilled. i’ve finally experienced a certain stability being in a relationship with B. i felt my growth was stunted for so long. i haven’t been in a hurry to grow up.

goodbye view of the mountains and the us bank tower. goodbye tall ceilings and walk-in pantry. goodbye tiny bathroom and clawfoot tub. goodbye stoop and maple tree. goodbye pocket doors and hardwood floors. goodbye dining room. goodbye nice neighbors.

hello, patio and garden. hello freshly painted “marshmallow fluff” walls. hello gardening and azalea bushes. hello blue jays in the rhododendrons. hello crickets. hello neighborhood cats and racooons. hello quiet mornings.

goodbye noisy neighbors and slamming iron gates. goodbye door that doesn’t stay closed unless we lock it. goodbye living on the top floor and goodbye lugging groceries. goodbye thin, uninsulated walls. goodbye grey trim everywhere. goodbye cupcake shop. goodbye pearl. goodbye drunk men with shopping carts.

hello living right next to my dad. hello elderly landlord. hello spooky basement. hello eating outside. hello smaller space. hello terrible carpet. hello no fan in the bathroom. hello to where i lived when i was first born.

hell yes!

smells like when we first moved in: a little musty, like paint, a little damp. everything is echoing. it’s been raining on and off all day and the tree outside the window has tiny red buds of leaves just starting to unfurl on the branches. i’ve been listening to music really loud, and that’s been grand, and the cable tv was just turned off. it’s been lovely having a last afternoon alone here. i made a last trip to the grocery store and stocked up on donuts for tomorrow’s breakfast. we’re trying to entice people to help us move with coffee and donuts, and later, pizza and beer. i’ve caught myself more than once thinking that i’m leaving this city entirely, but i’m not. we’re moving only five miles away! it feels like such a big change, though. today’s the ides of march. the sun just came out again. the weather has literally been rolling by in waves. it matches my mood. cat stevens helps, too.

they’re like cotton candy pom poms. even on a grey day, they never fail to cheer me up.

i’ve been sick at home for the past two days, and i’m still not feeling 100% today. can’t shake this gastrointestinal bug. it’s annoying. a number of people i know have had it, though, and for a few days, too. grand!! being at home but not having the energy to do much unpacking hasn’t been all bad, though. it was rather nice. it gave me two days to just be here and get used to it. i’m right next door to my dad, so this apartment complex has always felt like it belonged to dad. the first few nights, B and i looked around in a confused awe and said, ok, can we go home now? but slowly, it’s felt more and more like home.

it’s very quiet. and green! there’s a sliding glass door to an outdoor patio, all surrounded by a cedar tree and green shrubs. the front door opens to peonies, rhododendrons and a small lawn. i can hear the birds all day long. there are raccoons that live nearby but i haven’t seen them yet. lots of squirrels and even a fawn-colored rat who skitters along, looking for birdseed (he’s not gross). i can hear the traffic from the street in the photo above, but it’s more of a background noise. the downstairs is mostly unpacked, thank god, and everything seems to fit ok. the kitchen is wicked crowded, though. B has a ton of kitchen stuff, and it’s hard making everything fit. upstairs is still in boxes, but slowly settling out.

i’ll be happy when my bug goes away so i can do some more unpacking. today is the first sunny day we’ve had all week.